projectile poops

every baby's guide: projectile poops
by charlotte rose

so you're a newborn. all you do is sleep, eat, poop, and cry. think you have to wait til you're older to mess with your parents? think again!

you'll need:
a wet diaper
lots of gas and the need to poop
an unexpecting parent

instructions:
1. wet your diaper. make sure it feels nice and soggy so mom or dad are sure you need a changing
2. stay quiet and calm
3. wait until the wet diaper is removed, and your bum is hiked up in the air being cleaned
4. take aim: mom, dad, the wall, the hallway, the carpet... be creative!
5. strain a little. be as subtle as possible
6. let the poop fly!

tips:
- projectile poops work best in the middle of the night. dim light means vigorous straining goes undetected
- wait a few days between incidents to catch mom or dad off-guard
- save up that gas! noisy projectile poops get the best reaction

follow these simple instructions and watch mom or dad jump when you send that poop flying through the air. it gets 'em every time. if i knew how to laugh, i'd crack up!